My Christmas Gift

Hello it’s me.

Marina Crispi a mom of 2 boys oops young men, whom I might say I am very proud of.  Married almost 22 years to a man I find very interesting.  Well aren’t they all ;).   If you follow me normally you are probably wondering why I am introducing myself again.  You sort of have an idea of who I am.  You know I am a Chef, who specializes in gluten free and dietary needs, I am a health coach helping those meet their weight loss goals to gain optimal health.  Yes that is what I do but not who I am.   The other day I was sitting there talking to God asking him why I wasn’t reaching those that I want to reach, why I am not helping those who need my help.  I am educated I can explain every reason why you need this food or why this type of food will help you, ask me I can tell you, why because it fascinates me how food can heal your body.  Unbelievable!!!  How a change in diet can relieve pain in your joints, eliminating some dairy products can elevate acne.  The list goes on and on. Really if you knew me I can get crazy and talk for hours about food and its benefits to your health.  So why am I in such a rut?  Why have I been stuck in my own way?  Why have I let circumstances take precedence in my life and shadow who I really am.    Life has overcome me, I think it has happened too many of us, but I have always had to be the strong one. I have always had to carry the weight of everything I did a pretty good job of it; so why wasn’t anything working for me?

Then April 1, 2013 arrived, now don’t get me wrong I have had ups downs fell in and out of love with the same man so many times, BUT God has always told me to stay.  Gosh I would fight with him, I’m leaving I’m over it, God would say no stay, I will show you why.   In the past 2 years he has been ill, has had multiple surgery’s, depression and the list goes on.  So my argument with God was so you want me to stay here so I can take care of him.  Now I was really second guessing my faith.  As all of this is going on my mother in law was sent home from Italy where she would share time between here in the US and Italy.  She was having heart trouble. Now she and I have had our difference BUT she was my husband’s mother and out of respect I would take her to the doctor now two sick and I am still fighting with God.   Through all of this I forgot about taking care of me, but I was trying to help and take care of others.   God would continue to tell me to hang on.  I am still hanging.  Exhausted, frustrated, confused and still trying to build my business and it just isn’t growing how I hoped.  Money was tight, bills need to be paid and I am just struggling. God was showing me slowly my home life was changing my mother in law and I were becoming great friends my husband and I were communicating actually becoming friends again. Now I believed again. God was coming through.  Remember through all of this I continue to pray but I struggled with the answers I was receiving.   Back to April 1, 2013……… that dreaded April fool’s day, I have never been a fan of that day and I know I will not ever become a fan of it.  That is the day I picked my mother in law up for a visit she hadn’t been feeling well, we were at the hospital, 3 different doctors, depression had kicked in.  She couldn’t get out of her own way so we were going to have her stay with us until she was feeling better again.  Well that didn’t happen she took her life that day.  In the car with me driving home to get her better.   She filled a bottle of soda with pain pills drank them down and chewed them while I ran into the Stewarts shop to get a quart of milk.  2 minutes I was gone for 2 minutes.  When I came out she just finished the soda.   She had told me she was eating a sweet,  (hard candy)  I knew in my heart it wasn’t  rushed home (6 houses down the street) told my husband I know something was not right, she kissed us and said I love you, within 10 minutes she was gone.  So my battle with God continued, but I continued to trust him.  Even though I would say what the heck man why this, now what??  My husband being an only child, with no other family in this country I had to stick it out we had to take care of all of this.   We had to take her to Italy that was her wish.  Through all the red tape paperwork complete, we arrive in Italy October 15, 2013 we meet with the family the service was beautiful, she is at peace now, in her home country with her husband that passed 9 years earlier. We had to take care of family business that didn’t turn out very well but we made it through.  One afternoon I sat in the chapel and I said to God, (what better place than to talk to God than in Italy)So I asked what’s next where is my marriage going what is it I’m supposed to do with my business give up and get a job or stick it out.  Well this is where I learned why I was stuck; I was trying to help others but I wasn’t helping myself.  I need to live what I teach and teach what I live.    Was that a big slap in the forehead?    If I wanted to be loved I had to love more to set the example.  I have lived all my life taking care of everyone and everything I always put my needs and health aside.  I have lost 50 lbs. but I haven’t been consistent in the past oh 2 months so how can I sell my services if I can’t stay on track myself.  How can I coach and help my clients with their struggles when I was struggling myself.   In fighting with God so long if I never really listened I only saw things as I wanted to see them.  I was not letting go and letting God.  Though I thought because I was talking with him I was letting him take care of things but I didn’t listen or see what he was trying to show me.  It is amazing when that light bulb goes off what you see.   While in Italy my husband and I took walks together, talked about our future we actually had a great time, God was mending a struggling marriage. We made a deal in Italy we will continue to live this way back home in New York.  I live my life through love I care about people so much that when then leave or go about their life I saw it as if I wasn’t good enough.   Then I would give up on myself, when you don’t believe in yourself no one is going to believe in you.

Through all of that ugly comes beauty as it says in the bible Isaiah 61:3 To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”   My beauty of all of this I believe in myself again, it is ok if others leave, I will not stop loving them or caring about them I will know I have done my best.

  Big changes will come in December;   I will give 1 hour a day to talk and listen to God and build my relationship with him so he can guide me to fulfil my purpose in life, which is to help those get healthy.  I will exercise 30 minutes per day.  I will fuel my body with eating six small meals per day.  I will practice what I preach by journaling again.  I will live the authentic me from her on out.    I will post my updates as I move through December.  This Christmas season I will give myself the gift of Life!  To those who follow me I want to say Thank you for your support and I hope you are ready to take this journey with me.  If any of you would like to join me!  That would be great I would love to have the company. Beauty for ashes my friends!!  Much love to you all.

About culinaryfusion

Certified Health Coach a real Foodie at heart, Menu planners, Kitchen Counselor, Gluten Free,Bringing families back to the kitchen table one recipe at a time. Health Coach guiding clients with a gentle hand to reach optimum health, fast safe and simple.
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